Too Soonjokes

The government announced Tylenol might cause autism, based on a study that didn't. Pregnant women were told to "tough it out." The people saying it have never toughed out a headache in their lives.

Persona 6 dropped and the reviews say it's a masterpiece about mental health, friendship, and fighting your inner darkness. So it's therapy for $70, which is still $130 cheaper than the real thing and the demons have better voice acting.

The Lions open the season as contenders. For 60 years Detroit fans said "this is our year." This year it might be, which is the most dangerous thing that's ever happened to them.

A Russian strike on Kyiv killed 13 overnight. Peace talks are ongoing. They've been ongoing for four years, which is long enough for "ongoing" to be a cause of death.

Crypto crashed again. A currency backed by nothing lost half its value in a week and everyone was shocked, which is the only thing it reliably produces.

SpaceX went public, raised $75 billion, and Elon Musk became the first trillionaire. A trillion dollars. That's enough to buy every house in Detroit and still have $999 billion, which is the same as not buying them.