Too Soonjokes

The State Department says Cuba is running American leftist groups. A country that can't keep the lights on is running the DSA. The DSA also can't keep the lights on, so it tracks.

Trump says the war is "3 to 4 weeks away" from ending, but also the threat could be wiped out "in one night." So somewhere between a long weekend and a Netflix limited series.

The Trump–Xi state dinner was packed with tech billionaires. Most expensive dinner ever where everybody still split the check with a TikTok.

Ben Shelton became the first American man to win a set in a major final since 2009. A set. The bar is now "won a set," and he cleared it with room to spare. Somewhere Andy Roddick is buying the 2003 team a round.

Bad Bunny did the halftime show in Spanish. Forty million Americans discovered they could be angry at a language for 13 minutes and still know every word by the end.

Ben Shelton beat Tiafoe and plays Zverev Sunday for the first American men's major in 23 years. Zverev's quote: "Hopefully I can not make the American dream come true." A German rooting against the American dream in New York. That's the first honest villain the city's had since the Yankees.