Too Soonjokes

Three networks got sold this year and all of them still open with the weather. The weather's the only thing that hasn't been acquired, and it's changing faster than the ownership.

Persona 6 dropped and the reviews say it's a masterpiece about mental health, friendship, and fighting your inner darkness. So it's therapy for $70, which is still $130 cheaper than the real thing and the demons have better voice acting.

The Lions open the season as contenders. For 60 years Detroit fans said "this is our year." This year it might be, which is the most dangerous thing that's ever happened to them.

Crypto crashed again. A currency backed by nothing lost half its value in a week and everyone was shocked, which is the only thing it reliably produces.

Iran seized a $2.5 million American underwater drone. The maker says it's "attritable," which is contractor for "already billed." That's the most honest word in this war, and it was in a press release.

This week's most honest sentence was "it depends." Its most expensive was "$5,000." Its most repeated was "never forget." Its most accurate was in Melbourne: "I could barely see the field."