Too Soonjokes

Karen Khachanov is 16-18 on the year and in the US Open semis. A losing record and a run to the final four. He's the Detroit Lions of tennis, except he made it.

Shelton is the first Black American man in a US Open final since Arthur Ashe in 1972, in a stadium named after Arthur Ashe. It took 54 years for the building to see someone it was named for. The Lions have been waiting since 1957, and they don't even have a building named after anybody.

Zverev is in his third straight major final and his second US Open final. He lost the first one in 2020 from two sets up. He has the best record in tennis at reaching finals and the worst at remembering he's in one.

The Bills open their new stadium tonight against the Lions on Amazon. A billion-dollar building, a team that's lost four Super Bowls, and a Thursday night game streamed by the company whose cargo plane just crashed. Everything in Buffalo is a delivery that might not arrive.

Shelton's serve was clocked at 158 mph, the fastest in Grand Slam history. Then Hawkeye said it was actually 144. He set a record for twenty minutes and lost it to a computer. That's not tennis, that's every job in 2026.

Tiafoe and Shelton play an all-American semifinal Friday. Two American men in the final four for the first time since the sport was affordable. The winner faces a German or a Russian in the final, which is also the plot of every 20th-century war we won.