Too Soonjokes

Tiafoe plays Shelton tonight in the first all-American semi since the sport was affordable. Shelton beat Alcaraz at 3:30 a.m. Wednesday. If he wins tonight he'll have slept six hours in three days, which is the most American training regimen since the Marines.

Shelton is the first Black American man in a US Open final since Arthur Ashe in 1972, in a stadium named after Arthur Ashe. It took 54 years for the building to see someone it was named for. The Lions have been waiting since 1957, and they don't even have a building named after anybody.

Tiafoe versus Shelton is the first all-American men's semi in years. The winner will have to play the German in the final. This is the plot of every war we've won since 1917, but with better shoes.

Tiafoe and Shelton play an all-American semifinal Friday. Two American men in the final four for the first time since the sport was affordable. The winner faces a German or a Russian in the final, which is also the plot of every 20th-century war we won.

Saturday, September 12: the Houthis have an island, Saudi shut a pipeline, Norway's leaving, a robot hacked a library and the librarian quit, the president's golfing in Ireland, a woman in remission lost her insurance for not being sick enough, and a 23-year-old plays for the first American major in 23 years tomorrow. Tell one. Vote. Watch the tennis.

Tiafoe versus Shelton: the first all-American semi in years, and the winner gets a German or a Russian in the final. That's every 20th-century war we won, with better shoes.