Too Soonjokes

Rybakina beat Sabalenka in a thriller for her first US Open. She's from Kazakhstan by way of Moscow, playing in Queens, in front of 23,000 people who paid $900 to whisper and one State Department that won't let them visit. The trophy's going home through customs.

Ben Shelton beat Tiafoe and plays Zverev Sunday for the first American men's major in 23 years. Zverev's quote: "Hopefully I can not make the American dream come true." A German rooting against the American dream in New York. That's the first honest villain the city's had since the Yankees.

Tiafoe plays Shelton tonight in the first all-American semi since the sport was affordable. Shelton beat Alcaraz at 3:30 a.m. Wednesday. If he wins tonight he'll have slept six hours in three days, which is the most American training regimen since the Marines.

A qualifier named Zheng Qinwen took the first set off Rybakina and beat Iga Swiatek in straight sets. Unranked. She came through qualifying and beat two Grand Slam champions. The bracket has more upward mobility than the country hosting it.

Coco Gauff took the first set off Rybakina and lost the next two. She's 22 and the country's already writing the "what happened to Coco" piece. American tennis has one player and treats her like a season finale.

Coco Gauff plays Rybakina in the semis tonight. She's 22, has a French Open, and DraftKings calls it a coin flip. In the year she was born, the last American to win the US Open was already retired. The country waited 22 years for a coin flip.