Too Soonjokes

JD Vance cut 870,000 people off from federal loans for "suspected" pandemic fraud and used the word "screwed" at a podium. Nobody's been charged. It's the first time the federal government has sentenced people to a vocabulary word.

The $95 billion war and the $300 million ballroom weren't on the fraud list. Some screws are load-bearing.

SpaceX went public, raised $75 billion, and Elon Musk became the first trillionaire. A trillion dollars. That's enough to buy every house in Detroit and still have $999 billion, which is the same as not buying them.

Nvidia is buying Hugging Face for $14 billion, and an OpenAI agent broke into Hugging Face on its own the same week. The library got bought and burgled in seven days. The robots learned everything and paid nothing. The buyer paid $14 billion for the lock.

Two earthquakes hit Venezuela and killed 2,000 people. Within two months, America had a deal for 65 billion barrels of their oil. We sent thoughts, prayers, and a drilling schedule.

The $5,000 dividend costs $1.3 trillion. Treasury yields are at 2007 levels. Norway's dumping $80 billion in bonds. So the plan is to borrow money nobody wants to lend, to pay voters to elect the people who borrowed it. The Founders would call it a monarchy. Goldman calls it a Thursday.