Too Soonjokes

The Seahawks beat the Patriots 29-13 and the halftime show was in Spanish. Half of Texas learned three words and the other half wrote to the FCC.

NFL kickoff is Thursday. Roger Goodell makes $64 million a year and the league has a gambling scandal, a concussion settlement, and a halftime show that's a culture war. He's the only commissioner who's been booed by more people than the referees, and he's never once thrown a flag.

Apple's $2,000 folding phone, a $130 million witch movie, a 38-date Oasis tour with a waitlist, and a $5,000 vote bonus. Everything this month is on a payment plan except the war, and that's on your grandkids' plan.

Madonna's been nominated for VMAs in every decade of her career. Five decades. She's outlasted MTV playing music, the record label, two husbands, and the Catholic Church's patience. The award's a formality. The survival's the act.

Morgan Wallen is up for Artist of the Year for the second year. He was canceled in 2021 for the worst thing you can say, then had the biggest album in the country. The lesson every artist learned is the one the country already knew: the audience forgives, the algorithm never remembered.

The VMAs are in Los Angeles for the first time since 2017. They moved it from New York to a city where every nominee already has a house, a stalker, and a publicist named after a Greek god.