Too Soonjokes

The hottest summer on record, again. "On record" is doing a lot of work, because the record is 150 years old and we're setting it annually now, like a subscription.

Google Pixel 11 preorders opened. Better camera, smarter assistant, and it still can't get your mother to text you back.

Persona 6 dropped and the reviews say it's a masterpiece about mental health, friendship, and fighting your inner darkness. So it's therapy for $70, which is still $130 cheaper than the real thing and the demons have better voice acting.

Four-star generals hooked up to lie detectors. It's the same treatment as a guest on Maury, with a bigger pension and a worse outcome for everyone else.

An anti-abortion activist was nominated to run the FDA. Plan B is now "wait and see." Plan A is still "don't get sick."

SpaceX went public, raised $75 billion, and Elon Musk became the first trillionaire. A trillion dollars. That's enough to buy every house in Detroit and still have $999 billion, which is the same as not buying them.