Too Soonjokes

The hottest summer on record, again. "On record" is doing a lot of work, because the record is 150 years old and we're setting it annually now, like a subscription.

America turned 250 and buried a time capsule with documents from all three branches of government. Someone in 2126 will dig it up and find three branches that couldn't agree on what to put in a box.

The country is 250. It's got debt, a bad hip, a war it can't explain, and grandkids who won't call. Happy birthday.

Congress funded the government through December 11. It's hospice care with a press release.

Netflix bought Warner Bros. in December. Paramount tried to steal it in the spring. A judge blocked it in August. Three companies fought over one studio all year and nobody made a movie.

America's 250th birthday was like your grandfather's 90th. Everyone came, nobody agreed on what happened, and someone wanted to discuss the will.