Too Soonjokes

A giraffe's been loose in Texas for two weeks. Officials say it's fine as long as it doesn't reach for a wallet.

Malört set a world record: 1,969 Chicagoans took a shot at once. Mayor Brandon Johnson wasn't there, which is the first time the whole city agreed with a decision he made.

Australia banned kids from social media. Teenagers responded by going outside, where the snakes are. It's a country-wide dare.

ICE got a judge to approve force-feeding a hunger striker through a surgical procedure without his consent. He's the 19th hunger striker in custody. The agency that can't find a giraffe found a judge at 2 a.m.

Good Wednesday, everybody. The phone costs $2,000, the war's in month seven, the giraffe's still loose in Texas, and Apple skipped 9/11 for preorders out of respect, then charged the price of a funeral. Surprise and shine.

ICE is buying robot dogs. The real dogs kept refusing to bite the people who fed them.