Malört set a world record: 1,969 Chicagoans took a shot at once. Mayor Brandon Johnson wasn't there, which is the first time the whole city agreed with a decision he made.

Australia banned kids from social media. Teenagers responded by going outside, where the snakes are. It's a country-wide dare.

ICE is buying robot dogs. The real dogs kept refusing to bite the people who fed them.

Two million dollars for ICE robot dogs. Congress asked how they'd be used. The answer was "operational flexibility," which is what you say when the dog's still in the box.

A truck of squid spilled in Rhode Island in August. The town smelled like a New England marriage: something died and nobody wants to deal with it.

Robot dogs at the border. The Secretary who ordered them wrote a book about shooting her actual dog. This is the first time a K-9 unit has ever needed a bodyguard.

Officials are baffled by the missing giraffe. It's a giraffe. Look up.

A giraffe's been loose in Texas for two weeks. Officials say it's fine as long as it doesn't reach for a wallet.

A snake in the bread aisle in England. The only thing in the store not priced to kill you slowly.

Police departments are buying drones now. Robot dogs for ICE, drones for cops. The next police union negotiation will be about charging cables.

Cooper Manning was on Fox News Monday talking about the NFL season. There are three Manning brothers. One won two Super Bowls, one won two Super Bowls, and one gets to be on television. Genetics is a lottery and so is the tie-breaker.

ICE got a judge to approve force-feeding a hunger striker through a surgical procedure without his consent. He's the 19th hunger striker in custody. The agency that can't find a giraffe found a judge at 2 a.m.

Good Wednesday, everybody. The phone costs $2,000, the war's in month seven, the giraffe's still loose in Texas, and Apple skipped 9/11 for preorders out of respect, then charged the price of a funeral. Surprise and shine.

The census won't count undocumented immigrants in 2030. So the government's solution to 11 million people is to stop looking. That's also how it handles the deficit, the climate, and the giraffe.

Data centers now use more power than whole states and both parties are running ads against them. The ads were written by AI, served by data centers, and paid for by people who own both. It's a snake eating its tail and billing the tail.