Too Soonjokes

The Guardian found ICE force-feeding a man on a hunger strike; the census found a way to stop counting people; the Treasury found nobody wants its bonds; and the Seahawks found their quarterback in a CT machine. The theme of the week is discovery. None of it good.

A super PAC is dropping $10 million on Texas. That's $10 million to convince people who made up their minds in 1994.

SNAP benefits lapsed during the shutdown. Forty-two million people missed a meal so that 535 people could hold a press conference about meals.

Maine heating oil hit a record high. Mainers will now heat their homes the traditional way: setting their electric bill on fire.

JD Vance cut 870,000 people off from federal loans for "suspected" pandemic fraud and used the word "screwed" at a podium. Nobody's been charged. It's the first time the federal government has sentenced people to a vocabulary word.

The defending champs are Alcaraz and Sabalenka. Two people in their twenties who've earned more than your entire family tree, including the ones you're not speaking to.