Too Soonjokes

Ben Shelton beat Tiafoe and plays Zverev Sunday for the first American men's major in 23 years. Zverev's quote: "Hopefully I can not make the American dream come true." A German rooting against the American dream in New York. That's the first honest villain the city's had since the Yankees.

Zverev is in his third straight major final and his second US Open final. He lost the first one in 2020 from two sets up. He has the best record in tennis at reaching finals and the worst at remembering he's in one.

Coco Gauff plays Rybakina in the semis tonight. She's 22, has a French Open, and DraftKings calls it a coin flip. In the year she was born, the last American to win the US Open was already retired. The country waited 22 years for a coin flip.

Shelton or Tiafoe will play a German or a Russian for the title. This is the plot of every war we won in the 20th century, with better shoes and a worse crowd.

Shelton dedicated the win to his grandmother, who got his father into tennis. His father coached him from the box. Three generations to make one final, and the German across the net will try to end it in three hours.

Tiafoe versus Shelton is the first all-American men's semi in years. The winner will have to play the German in the final. This is the plot of every war we've won since 1917, but with better shoes.