America turned 250 and buried a time capsule with documents from all three branches of government. Someone in 2126 will dig it up and find three branches that couldn't agree on what to put in a box.

The US cut foreign access to its best AI models. So the machine that will replace American workers is now Made in America, for America, replacing Americans first. Buy local.

Cybersecurity people have AI burnout defending hospitals. When the hospital gets ransomwared, the AI will write a very moving obituary.

Apple glasses will monitor your health. The first notification will be "Screen time: 14 hours." The second will be "Your family is in the other room."

America's 250th birthday was like your grandfather's 90th. Everyone came, nobody agreed on what happened, and someone wanted to discuss the will.

The Pope's first encyclical is 42,000 words warning that AI will devastate workers. It was summarized by AI, translated by AI, and read by a bishop's intern who's about to be replaced by AI.

Dave Bautista showed off his body transformation to play Kratos in God of War. He's 57 and getting shredded to play a god who murders his family. In Hollywood that's not a role, that's a retirement plan.

Congress funded the government through December 11. It's hospice care with a press release.

A Russian strike on Kyiv killed 13 overnight. Peace talks are ongoing. They've been ongoing for four years, which is long enough for "ongoing" to be a cause of death.

Netflix bought Warner Bros. and the Batman rights. The Dark Knight will now be recommended to you next to a Norwegian baking show and a documentary about a cult.

CNN now belongs to Netflix. The news will be autoplaying, skippable, and recommended to you next to a Korean cooking show. That's an improvement.

Twentieth death in an ICE facility this year. They're calling it self-deportation.

The 2030 census will no longer count immigrants without green cards or ask about race. So America's plan for dealing with its problems is to stop counting them. It's the first census designed by a guy hiding his bank statements from his wife.

Twenty deaths in ICE custody this year. The agency calls them "in-custody incidents." The families call them by their names, which is more than the paperwork does.

The man convicted of orchestrating Tupac's murder is the uncle of the shooter, who died in 1998. So the case was solved by everyone else dying first. That's the Vegas method.

The Michael Jackson biopic is the second highest-grossing music biopic ever. The highest is about Freddie Mercury. Hollywood has learned that the audience wants a genius and a tragedy, and will pay extra if it's the same guy.

The FDA nominee is an activist. The agency that approves your medicine will now be run by someone who's mostly against things. The pharmacy line just became a debate.

Ten million dollars on Texas ads. The ads will say the other guy is a socialist. The other guy is also a Republican. This is how you find out the word doesn't mean anything.

The Postal Service will now throw out a whole batch of ballots if one is off. Same outfit that delivered my neighbor's mail to me for ten years.

Trump promised every adult $5,000 if Republicans win the midterms. That's $1.3 trillion. It's the first time a president has offered the country a bribe in front of it, on camera, with a number. The IRS will tax it.

Apple's folding phone costs $2,000 and preorders were moved off September 11 out of respect. Then it was priced like a funeral. For that money in Detroit you get a Buick, and the Buick also folds if you hit a pole.

The Postal Service will now reject a whole batch of ballots if one is off. Same outfit that delivered my neighbor's mail to me for ten years is now the last line of defense for democracy.

Nvidia is buying Hugging Face for $14 billion. The last free hug left is from the hospice nurse, and she's on a schedule.

Newsom's $787 million suit against Fox goes to trial in March 2028. By then he'll be running for president and Fox will have a fresh lie ready for the trial coverage.

A judge approved surgically force-feeding a hunger striker in ICE custody. The private facility gets paid per body per day. Keeping him alive isn't mercy, it's a line item, signed at 2 a.m.

First week of September: every store has Halloween candy and every dad has an opinion about the thermostat that will outlive him.

The US Open semis are set. Twenty-three thousand people paid $600 each to sit quietly in Queens. The 7 train home will remind them who they are.

Employer health costs will rise the most since 2003. RFK Jr. says the answer is exercise and sunlight. Sunlight is free. The dermatologist to fix what the sunlight did is $400, and that's the whole plan.

Andrew Garfield plays Sam Altman in a biopic called Artificial. The man whose company automated the screenwriter is now being played by an actor whose job the company is also automating. Two paychecks, one funeral.

A regular-season NFL game in Australia at 8 a.m. their time. Fans in Melbourne will watch football before work. Fans in Detroit will watch it at 4 a.m. and call in sick, which is a Michigan tradition older than the Lions' last title.

Time's Person of the Year was "the architects of AI." The people building the machine that will write next year's issue for free.

There's an mRNA shot that might prevent skin cancer. Half the country will refuse it and the other half will keep booking tanning beds. Cancer remains undefeated.

7-Eleven is closing 645 stores. The hot dogs on the rollers will be transferred to other locations. Same hot dogs.

Big Brother 28 is on, and one houseguest promised another would "shrink, shiver, and die." Twenty-eight seasons of strangers locked in a house saying that to each other. CBS calls it a game show. The rest of us call it Thanksgiving.

Netflix owns Warner Bros., HBO, CNN, DC, and the NFL's Australia game. The company that mailed you DVDs now owns Batman, the news, and the thing you fall asleep to. That's not a media company. That's a hospice with a login.

Michigan needed a controversial call to beat a MAC school at home. The Big House is now a Big Hospice with a marching band.

Apple is building smart glasses that track your health. Great, the device that killed my attention span can now watch me die and sync it to iCloud.

Fantasy football: 40 million men who can't budget their own money managing an imaginary roster with the intensity of a coroner.

Alex Gibney has made films about Enron, Scientology, torture, WikiLeaks, and Theranos. Now Musk. The man's filmography is a list of things that were fine until someone looked. His next subject will be the audience.

Kauai cleared the campgrounds. The guy who refuses to leave will be found in April, still mad about the parking fee.

Maye called his decisions "unacceptable." The Patriots called it Week 1. New England will play a bad Cardinals team next, so the decisions will be acceptable again for exactly one week.

Police departments are buying drones now. Robot dogs for ICE, drones for cops. The next police union negotiation will be about charging cables.

Sunday's Emmys will run four hours and give out 25 statues. The winners will thank their agents, their mothers, and God, in that order, which is also the order the checks clear.

TV's big night is Monday. The winners will thank the crew, who were laid off in June, on a network that's 100, on a stream that costs $17 a month, for shows that were canceled. Television is the only industry where the funeral is the awards show.

The twentieth death in an ICE jail this year. That's more than the number of days Congress has spent on it, combined.

Every show at the Emmys will be on a streaming service that costs more than cable did in 2010. We spent 15 years building a worse TV with a login.

The Pitt leads with 25 nominations for a show about an ER where nobody's paid enough and everyone dies on schedule. The nurses who inspired it will watch on their break. They get one.

Shelton or Tiafoe will play a German or a Russian for the title. This is the plot of every war we won in the 20th century, with better shoes and a worse crowd.

Trump promised every adult $5,000 if Republicans win the midterms. That's $1.3 trillion. It's the first time a president offered the country a bribe on camera, with a number. The IRS will tax it.

Number 2 Oregon nearly lost to Boise State. The Ducks are second in the nation and first in "we'll discuss it at the funeral of the season."

A $130 million sequel about witches opens the same week as the anniversary of the day the country stopped believing in luck. Warner Bros. is owned by Netflix now. The curse will be recommended to you next to a documentary about a cult. It already is a cult, it's just called a franchise.

Shelton dedicated the win to his grandmother, who got his father into tennis. His father coached him from the box. Three generations to make one final, and the German across the net will try to end it in three hours.

Practical Magic 2 cost $130 million and opens against a Resident Evil reboot. Witches versus zombies. Two franchises about women who can't die and men who deserve to.

A judge approved surgically force-feeding a hunger striker in ICE custody. The private detention center gets paid per body per day. Keeping him alive isn't mercy, it's revenue, and the judge signed it at 2 a.m.

Microsoft's data center plan is 38 gigawatts and a third is "AI-specific." The other two-thirds are for your Outlook, which will still take four seconds to open.

Tiafoe versus Shelton is the first all-American men's semi in years. The winner will have to play the German in the final. This is the plot of every war we've won since 1917, but with better shoes.

Netflix owns Warner Bros., HBO, CNN, Batman, and the NFL's Australia game. The company that mailed you DVDs now owns the news and the thing you fall asleep to. That's not a media company. That's a hospice with a login.

Fashion Week: seven days of thin people wearing things nobody will buy, reviewed by people nobody reads, in a city nobody can afford. Congress with better lighting, worse snacks, and the same number of women in charge.

ICE got a judge to approve force-feeding a hunger striker through a surgical procedure without his consent. He's the 19th hunger striker in custody. The agency that can't find a giraffe found a judge at 2 a.m.

Good Wednesday, everybody. The phone costs $2,000, the war's in month seven, the giraffe's still loose in Texas, and Apple skipped 9/11 for preorders out of respect, then charged the price of a funeral. Surprise and shine.