Too Soonjokes

Ben Shelton beat Tiafoe and plays Zverev Sunday for the first American men's major in 23 years. Zverev's quote: "Hopefully I can not make the American dream come true." A German rooting against the American dream in New York. That's the first honest villain the city's had since the Yankees.

This week's most honest sentence was "it depends." Its most expensive was "$5,000." Its most repeated was "never forget." Its most accurate was in Melbourne: "I could barely see the field."

This week the country's most honest sentence was "it depends," its most expensive was "$5,000," and its most repeated was "never forget." The most accurate one was in Melbourne: "I could barely see the field." Same.

Friday, September 11, 2026: 25 years since the towers, 196 days into the next war, a $5,000 bribe on the table, a president who remembers being carried, a quarterback who remembers being carted, and 100,000 Australians who couldn't see the field. Never forget. Also, what time's the tennis.

Zverev has the best record in tennis at reaching finals and the worst at winning them. Sunday he plays the American dream in New York. The crowd will be 23,000 to 1, and the 1 has a two-handed backhand.

Friday, September 11, 2026: twenty-five years since the towers, 196 days into the next war, a $5,000 bribe on the table, a quarterback carted off six plays into a title defense, a kid who beat the best player alive at 3:30 a.m., and a hundred thousand Australians who couldn't see the field. Never forget. What time's the tennis.