Too Soonjokes

Golden Tempo won the Kentucky Derby, the first winner trained by a woman. The horse ran the same race. It just got there without three men telling it how.

Thieves robbed the Louvre in eight minutes with a furniture lift and power tools, in daylight, during opening hours. The most French thing about it is that security was on strike about it before it happened.

Italy sent 500 troops to Milan over cost-of-living protests. When a plate of pasta costs a mortgage payment, you're going to need the army.

Health costs up the most in 23 years. The Health Secretary's response was a video of himself doing pull-ups. Great. The deductible does pull-ups too. It's up to 5,000.

Fifty percent tariffs on Canada. Mark Carney retaliated, politely. Canada's tariff list includes bourbon, motorcycles, and Florida oranges. So they're hitting Kentucky, Wisconsin, and Florida. It's the most targeted thing Canada's done since the 1972 Summit Series, and this time the puck is a tax.

Apple glasses will monitor your health. The first notification will be "Screen time: 14 hours." The second will be "Your family is in the other room."