Too Soonjokes

The Supreme Court tossed the White House's mail-voting restrictions four days after a $5,000-if-you-vote-right offer went out on Fox. So the Court says mail your ballot, and the White House says there's a check in the mail if you fill it out correctly. The Post Office is the only branch that has to touch both.

The White House barred several left-leaning news outlets from the briefing room this week. The president says the press is free. It is. It's just outside, on the lawn, next to where the East Wing used to be.

Twenty-five years, and the president says two firefighters carried him from the rubble. Footage shows him on TV that morning. The last man who wasn't there has the most detailed memory, and the men who were there have the shortest life expectancy.

The president says he's "not in a hurry" to negotiate with Iran. He's right. Hurry is for people whose house is under the flight path.

Toronto took the World Series to Game 7 and lost. It's the closest Canada has come to winning something in the US since 1812, and they burned the White House that time.

China paused October fuel exports and the White House is begging France and Germany for diesel. America went from "drill baby drill" to "can we borrow a cup of diesel."