Trump said we'll finish Iran "one way or the other." Which is also how my dad described assembling IKEA furniture before he threw half the screws away.

Xi greeted Trump at the airport personally. Nobody greets you at the airport unless they're about to ask for a kidney or Taiwan.

The Trump–Xi state dinner was packed with tech billionaires. Most expensive dinner ever where everybody still split the check with a TikTok.

Media called the Trump–Xi summit a "grand bromance." Two old men who hate journalists finally found someone who gets them.

Hegseth went to Israel and Trump went to the rally and Vance went to the podium to say he doesn't get involved. Three men, one war, zero plans.

Trump says Russia "had very little input" into Iran. Strange, since Russia usually has input into everything, including our elections.

The New York Times says Trump's midterm approval is second worst since 1946, behind only Harry Truman. Truman at least dropped the bomb and ended the war.

Lara Trump warned the war could cost Republicans the midterms. Rough when your own family is the exit poll.

Trump says oil prices are about to "plunge." Wonderful. The last thing that plunged in this war was my 401(k).

Trump spoke at the UN General Assembly. Diplomats wore earpieces for translation, which is the only reason half of them didn't need therapy after.

Trump and Xi agreed on shared AI "terminology." Great, now when the robots take over we'll at least agree on what to call it.

Trump says Ilhan Omar "could go to jail." He says that about everyone who doesn't laugh at his jokes.

73 percent disapprove of Trump on inflation. The other 25 percent don't buy their own groceries.

Federal agents raided Ilhan Omar's home at dawn over her immigration case. The administration said it found evidence of a crime: she disagreed with Trump.

Trump told Zelenskyy to "find someone else to negotiate." Trump just ghosted an entire country.

Trump wants a "lasting" peace with Iran. He's said that about every marriage too.

China paused October fuel exports and the White House is begging France and Germany for diesel. America went from "drill baby drill" to "can we borrow a cup of diesel."

Trump is weighing direct strikes on the Houthis. The Houthis have been bombed by every president since Obama and they're still going. They're basically the Rolling Stones of getting bombed.

Iran offered a 7-day plan to reopen Hormuz. Trump rejected it. Nobody wants a week-long deal from a guy who can't even commit to a week-long trial subscription.

Trump's approval is at 36 percent, an all-time low. That's lower than Spirit Airlines, gas station sushi and my uncle at Thanksgiving.

Trump on Iran: "I'm trying to be nice, we've got to deal with somebody." Same speech every guy gives right before his third divorce.

Trump says the Iran war will end "very soon, probably right after the midterms." First war in history with a campaign schedule. Shock and awe, then get out the vote.

Trump wants to meet Putin and Xi about denuclearization. Three guys with the most nukes in a room talking about getting rid of nukes. That's an AA meeting at a liquor store.

Trump hinted Iran was behind the FlyDubai cockpit incident and vowed to hit them "very hard." Spirit Airlines has been doing cockpit incidents for years and nobody bombs Fort Lauderdale.

After FlyDubai, the airline added a new safety announcement: "In the event of geopolitics, put on your own oxygen mask before assisting the President."

Trump says the war is "3 to 4 weeks away" from ending, but also the threat could be wiped out "in one night." So somewhere between a long weekend and a Netflix limited series.

The Supreme Court tossed the mail-voting restrictions the same week a $5,000-if-you-vote-right offer went out on Fox. So the Court says mail your ballot and the White House says there's a check in the mail if you get it right. The Post Office has to touch both.

At a Peterbilt plant, Trump said Iran is "ready to fold up." Bold thing to say surrounded by trucks that also only fold when they jackknife.

The White House barred several left-leaning news outlets from the briefing room this week. The president says the press is free. It is. It's just outside, on the lawn, next to where the East Wing used to be.

Trump called Iran's military "completely gone." He also said it would end soon back in March. At this point "ending soon" is like a CVS receipt. It never ends.

The Philippines issued an arrest warrant for its Vice President for threatening to have the President killed. In America we call that a primary.

AI deepfakes are everywhere now. The president says any bad video of him is fake and any good one is real. That's not a defense, that's a mood ring.

Blue, the sculpture at the Kennedy Center, came down after seven years. Trump chairs the Kennedy Center now. He's redecorating a building named after a Democrat, in a city that voted 92% against him, and the sculpture was the first thing to leave that didn't need a lawyer.

The President threatened to report a news anchor to the FCC. Somewhere a 1950s censor felt a disturbance in the force.

A late-night host got pulled off the air for a monologue. The government said it was about "standards." Standards, in a country where the president has a podcast voice.

The president marked 9/11 with a steel beam from the World Trade Center at a ceremony near the White House. The beam has been to more solemn events than most of the people standing next to it.

Trump says Iran is "keen to reach a deal quickly." A senior Iranian official said they won't negotiate until their conditions are met. So one side says they're eager and the other side says they're not talking. That's every relationship at the 197-day mark.

Carney says Canada "won't be bullied." Trump says Canada should be the 51st state. Canada responded with a tariff on Kentucky bourbon, which means Mitch McConnell has finally been sanctioned by a foreign government.

The president told the UN that climate change is a hoax and escalators are broken. One of those was a policy position and one was a complaint about the building. Nobody could tell which.

The DOJ was about to sue Live Nation and the White House stepped in. The service fee on that phone call was $38.

The Supreme Court tossed the White House's mail-voting restrictions four days after a $5,000-if-you-vote-right offer went out on Fox. So the Court says mail your ballot, and the White House says there's a check in the mail if you fill it out correctly. The Post Office is the only branch that has to touch both.

Trump promised every adult $5,000 if Republicans win the midterms. That's $1.3 trillion. It's the first time a president has offered the country a bribe in front of it, on camera, with a number. The IRS will tax it.

The president says he's "not in a hurry" to negotiate with Iran. He's right. Hurry is for people whose house is under the flight path.

Trump meets Xi next week and China is urging both the U.S. and Iran back to the table. The country that buys Iran's oil and sells us the phones is now the mediator. It's a divorce where the marriage counselor is also the landlord.

Saturday, September 12: the Houthis have an island, Saudi shut a pipeline, Norway's leaving, a robot hacked a library and the librarian quit, the president's golfing in Ireland, a woman in remission lost her insurance for not being sick enough, and a 23-year-old plays for the first American major in 23 years tomorrow. Tell one. Vote. Watch the tennis.

Thirty-three House Republicans skipped their own convention and the president spoke for 104 minutes anyway. It's a wedding where the groom's side didn't show and the bride read the vows to the caterer.

The president threatened to report a news anchor to the FCC. Somewhere a 1950s censor felt a disturbance in the force.

Six months of war and the president still won't say what winning looks like. The last three wars didn't have an answer either. That's not a strategy, that's a family tradition.

Toronto took the World Series to Game 7 and lost. It's the closest Canada has come to winning something in the US since 1812, and they burned the White House that time.

Trump called the Iran war "small potatoes" and "not a big thing." Six months, thousands dead, gas at $5. If that's small potatoes, the man's never bought groceries, which we knew.

Trump says the war ends "immediately after the election" and gas stays high till November because Iran wants to sway the vote. So the war has a release date and the troops don't.

The US now controls 65 billion barrels of Venezuelan oil, eight months after grabbing the president. Marco Rubio called it "a partnership." So is a payday loan.

Thirty-three House Republicans skipped their own convention and the president spoke for 104 minutes anyway. It's a wedding where the groom's side didn't show and the bride read the vows to the caterer.

Trump says the US has "essentially" taken over Iran. Essentially is the word you use when you've taken over the part of Iran that's on fire.

The Rose Garden got paved and the East Wing got bulldozed. The White House is now the only historic building in America being flipped.

Day 200 of the war is Sunday. Two hundred days. The Pentagon has a name for every tanker it's sunk, the president has a date for when it ends, and the troops have a magnet on their mom's car that's faded to pink.

The DOJ was about to sue Live Nation and the White House stepped in. The service fee on that phone call was $38.

Trump put a 50% tariff on Canada and Canada hit back. The two countries share the longest peaceful border in the world, and now it has a service fee.

The Supreme Court cleared the White House ballroom. Nine justices, zero invitations.

The president said he'd report a journalist to the FCC. The FCC's chairman, Brendan Carr, has spent a year saying the FCC should do more. This is the first time a president has threatened to send a man to the one guy who was already waiting.