Too Soonjokes

Mariska Hargitay is hosting the Emmys. She's spent 27 years on Law & Order: SVU. Sunday will be the first time she's in a room full of TV executives without needing a warrant.

Netflix bought Warner Bros., got the NFL in Australia, and is streaming the Emmys' nominees. The company that used to mail you DVDs now owns Batman, Ben Shelton's highlights, and the next thing you'll fall asleep to. That's not a media company. That's a hospice with a login.

Practical Magic 2 opened today, 28 years after the first one, about two witches whose men keep dying. The Emmys are Monday. Fashion Week is through the 15th. The country's on fire in four time zones, and Hollywood's offering witches, a red carpet, and a $12,000 coat. That's not escapism, that's a closing argument.

Sunday's Emmys will run four hours and give out 25 statues. The winners will thank their agents, their mothers, and God, in that order, which is also the order the checks clear.

A 104-minute keynote at a convention with no candidate. The speech had more words than the funding bill, more promises than the budget, and fewer people in the room than the Emmys will have Monday.

The Emmys hand statues Monday to shows canceled in May, on a network turning 100, streamed for $17 a month. Television is the only industry where the funeral is televised and has a red carpet.