Too Soonjokes

The defending champs are Alcaraz and Sabalenka. Two people in their twenties who've earned more than your entire family tree, including the ones you're not speaking to.

Tiafoe plays Shelton tonight in the first all-American semi since the sport was affordable. Shelton beat Alcaraz at 3:30 a.m. Wednesday. If he wins tonight he'll have slept six hours in three days, which is the most American training regimen since the Marines.

Sabalenka's the two-time champion at -208. Pegula's family owns the Bills, who've lost four Super Bowls. If Pegula loses tonight, it's the family's most competitive loss this decade.

Bitcoin dropped 40%. The people who called it "digital gold" are now calling it "a long-term play," which is what you say about a marriage after the affair.

Ben Shelton beat Tiafoe and plays Zverev Sunday for the first American men's major in 23 years. Zverev's quote: "Hopefully I can not make the American dream come true." A German rooting against the American dream in New York. That's the first honest villain the city's had since the Yankees.

Ben Shelton beat Alcaraz at 3:30 in the morning, the latest finish in US Open history. Twenty-three thousand people watched the sun come up at a tennis match and took the 7 train to work. That's not a tournament, that's a shift.