Bitcoin dropped 40%. The people who called it "digital gold" are now calling it "a long-term play," which is what you say about a marriage after the affair.

Ted Turner founded CNN, married Jane Fonda, and owned the Braves. He created the 24-hour news cycle and then spent 40 years trying to turn it off.

The defending champs are Alcaraz and Sabalenka. Two people in their twenties who've earned more than your entire family tree, including the ones you're not speaking to.

Apple glasses will monitor your health. The first notification will be "Screen time: 14 hours." The second will be "Your family is in the other room."

Dave Bautista showed off his body transformation to play Kratos in God of War. He's 57 and getting shredded to play a god who murders his family. In Hollywood that's not a role, that's a retirement plan.

Christmas in a tariff year: the kids got fewer toys, the toys cost more, and Santa's supply chain runs through Shenzhen. The elves are on a work visa.

The 2030 census will no longer count immigrants without green cards or ask about race. So America's plan for dealing with its problems is to stop counting them. It's the first census designed by a guy hiding his bank statements from his wife.

Six months of war and the president still won't say what winning looks like. The last three wars didn't have an answer either. That's not a strategy, that's a family tradition.

A truck of squid spilled in Rhode Island in August. The town smelled like a New England marriage: something died and nobody wants to deal with it.

Christmas 2025: gifts up 15% from tariffs, a shutdown hangover, and a Netflix login that now includes CNN. Peace on earth was not on sale.

A pop star married a tight end at MSG. Thousands stood outside a wedding they weren't invited to. That's not fandom, that's a vigil with better outfits.

A family of four killed in Gaza the week officials called the ceasefire "holding." Holding is the word for something you're about to drop, and they've been dropping it since October.

March Madness: 68 teams, 40 million brackets, and one guy in your office who picked Michigan and won't shut up until Christmas.

They tore down the East Wing for a ballroom and the Supreme Court said fine. So the building has a dance floor now and no First Lady's office. That's a divorce settlement, not a renovation.

Humanoid robots are being sold for home use. They'll cook, clean, and carry things. So they'll replace the husband, and unlike the husband, they come with a return policy.

Congress is arguing about a bill to end child marriage. Somewhere a lobbyist is being paid to explain the other side. Say that out loud.

A man is sailing alone through the Arctic to set a record. His wife described the trip as "finally" and the life insurance as "current."

The shutdown ended after 43 days, just in time for Thanksgiving. Nothing says gratitude like getting your first paycheck since Halloween.

Big Brother 28 is on, and one houseguest promised another would "shrink, shiver, and die." Twenty-eight seasons of strangers locked in a house saying that to each other. CBS calls it a game show. The rest of us call it Thanksgiving.

Madonna's been nominated for VMAs in every decade of her career. Five decades. She's outlasted MTV playing music, the record label, two husbands, and the Catholic Church's patience. The award's a formality. The survival's the act.

Trump promised $5,000 to every adult. Gas has cost the average family $780 extra this year. So the deal is: give us four more years of the war, and we'll refund six of them.

Apple moved iPhone preorders to avoid September 11. Respectful. Then they priced the phone at $2,000, which is its own kind of attack on the family.

Madonna leads the VMAs at 68. MTV hasn't played a video since 2008. The product's dead and the ceremony continues, which is the plan for the census, the Senate, and most marriages.

Practical Magic 2 opened yesterday. Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman are witches whose curse kills every man they love. After 28 years the curse is the only thing in the franchise that held up. Also true of most marriages, and the Rams' defense.

The ceasefire is "holding." Twenty-eight dead in Lebanon this week, a family flattened in Gaza, raids in the West Bank. If that's holding, someone should check what letting go looks like.

Practical Magic 2 opens today. Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman are back as witches whose curse says every man they love dies. After 28 years the curse is the only thing in the franchise that held up, and honestly, same as most marriages.

Shelton called Tiafoe his big brother, then hit 20 aces at him. That's not a rivalry, that's Thanksgiving.

A family of four was killed in Gaza the week officials said the ceasefire was "holding." Holding is what you say about something you're about to drop.

Practical Magic 2 is out. The curse still says every man the witches love dies. After 28 years the curse is the only thing in the franchise with a complete arc. Same as most marriages.

Big Brother 28: a houseguest told another he'd "shrink, shiver, and die." Twenty-eight seasons of strangers saying that in a house. CBS calls it a game show. The rest of us call it Thanksgiving.

The 2030 census will skip immigrants without green cards and stop asking about race. The government's plan for people it doesn't like is to stop counting them. It's how a man handles his bank statements the week before the divorce.

The census won't ask about sexual orientation anymore. It'll still ask how many toilets you have. The government has decided your plumbing is more important than your marriage, which is also what your plumber thinks.

U.S. officials met Ukraine and Russia separately to end the war. Separately. A divorce mediation where both parties have missiles and the mediator's in Ireland playing golf.

Sabalenka's the two-time champion at -208. Pegula's family owns the Bills, who've lost four Super Bowls. If Pegula loses tonight, it's the family's most competitive loss this decade.

US officials met separately with Ukraine and Russia this weekend to end the war. Separately. It's a divorce mediation where both parties have missiles and the mediator has a golf course.

The Emmys, the VMAs, Venice, Toronto, and the Oscars campaign all start the same month. Four months of the same 200 people in different rooms thanking each other. The rest of us call that a family reunion. They call it a season.

Practical Magic 2 and a Resident Evil reboot open the same weekend. A movie about witches who kill husbands and a movie about a virus that kills everyone. They call that counterprogramming. In Michigan we call it Thanksgiving.

A phone that folds in half for $2,000. Gen Z will buy it on a 36-month plan and use it for 18. That's not a purchase, that's a subscription to a divorce.