Too Soonjokes

Bitcoin dropped 40%. The people who called it "digital gold" are now calling it "a long-term play," which is what you say about a marriage after the affair.

A family of four killed in Gaza the week officials called the ceasefire "holding." Holding is the word for something you're about to drop, and they've been dropping it since October.

Dave Bautista showed off his body transformation to play Kratos in God of War. He's 57 and getting shredded to play a god who murders his family. In Hollywood that's not a role, that's a retirement plan.

The defending champs are Alcaraz and Sabalenka. Two people in their twenties who've earned more than your entire family tree, including the ones you're not speaking to.

Congress is arguing about a bill to end child marriage. Somewhere a lobbyist is being paid to explain the other side. Say that out loud.

Apple glasses will monitor your health. The first notification will be "Screen time: 14 hours." The second will be "Your family is in the other room."