Too Soonjokes

Apple glasses will monitor your health. The first notification will be "Screen time: 14 hours." The second will be "Your family is in the other room."

Apple's folding phone costs $2,000 and preorders were moved off September 11 out of respect. Then it was priced like a funeral. For that money in Detroit you get a Buick, and the Buick also folds if you hit a pole.

Good Wednesday, everybody. The phone costs $2,000, the war's in month seven, the giraffe's still loose in Texas, and Apple skipped 9/11 for preorders out of respect, then charged the price of a funeral. Surprise and shine.

Apple says the new Watch Ultra 4 tracks 45 hours of continuous workout. Nobody has 45 hours. The only people awake that long are ER residents, and they can't afford the watch.

Apple Watch Series 12 has "better heart rate accuracy." Great. Now it can tell you precisely how fast your heart was going when you saw the total at checkout.

The foldable iPhone tops out at $3,000 for 2 terabytes. Three grand for a phone that folds. You know what else folds for that kind of money? Your knees, at the pharmacy.