Apple's folding phone starts at $2,000. For that money in Detroit you get a Buick, and the Buick also folds if you hit a pole.

Apple glasses will monitor your health. The first notification will be "Screen time: 14 hours." The second will be "Your family is in the other room."

Apple named it the iPhone Duo. Duo. Like the language app that guilts you with an owl. This one guilts you with a monthly statement.

Apple's folding phone costs $2,000 and preorders were moved off September 11 out of respect. Then it was priced like a funeral. For that money in Detroit you get a Buick, and the Buick also folds if you hit a pole.

Apple's $2,000 folding phone, a $130 million witch movie, a 38-date Oasis tour with a waitlist, and a $5,000 vote bonus. Everything this month is on a payment plan except the war, and that's on your grandkids' plan.

Cuba went free market. Sixty years of embargo and what finally broke them was the last guy in Havana wanting an iPhone.

The four-hour Musk documentary opens October 16, the same day as iPhone preorders. That's not a release date. That's a hostage exchange with concessions.

Apple is building smart glasses that track your health. Great, the device that killed my attention span can now watch me die and sync it to iCloud.

Apple's first folding phone is called the iPhone Duo. Two screens, $2,000, and it closes on itself. It's the first iPhone designed to be slammed shut during an argument.

Apple moved iPhone preorders to avoid September 11. Respectful. Then they priced the phone at $2,000, which is its own kind of attack on the family.

Apple made a phone that folds, six years after Samsung did. Apple didn't invent the foldable. It invented the line outside the store for it.

Apple skipped the regular iPhone 18 this year. Only Pro, Pro Max, and a foldable. The affordable model has been pushed to spring, which is also when your tax refund lands. Apple has your calendar.

Wednesday, September 9, 2026: Apple sold a phone for the price of a used car, the Navy sank five ships and posted the video, a Guardsman pulled a gun over a haircut, and the NFL started on a Wednesday. In 2016, the weirdest thing was a dress.

Good Wednesday, everybody. The phone costs $2,000, the war's in month seven, the giraffe's still loose in Texas, and Apple skipped 9/11 for preorders out of respect, then charged the price of a funeral. Surprise and shine.

AirPods 5 were announced today. Somewhere a pair of AirPods 4 just fell in a storm drain out of spite.

Apple says the new Watch Ultra 4 tracks 45 hours of continuous workout. Nobody has 45 hours. The only people awake that long are ER residents, and they can't afford the watch.

Tim Cook said "surprise and shine." The surprise was the price. The shine was the tears.

The iPhone Duo comes in Night Sky and Star White. Two colors, two screens, one payment plan that outlives your dog.

The iPhone 18 Pro starts at $1,199. It has a smaller Dynamic Island, a better camera, and the same job as the last one: making you feel bad in a coffee shop.

Apple Watch Series 12 has "better heart rate accuracy." Great. Now it can tell you precisely how fast your heart was going when you saw the total at checkout.

The foldable iPhone tops out at $3,000 for 2 terabytes. Three grand for a phone that folds. You know what else folds for that kind of money? Your knees, at the pharmacy.

The iPhone Duo starts at $1,999 and goes to $3,000 for 2 terabytes. Three thousand dollars for a phone. For that money in Detroit you get a Buick, and the Buick also folds if you hit a pole.

A foldable iPhone in 2026. Motorola had a folding phone in 2004. It was $200 and it made a sound when you closed it on someone. Apple's costs $2,000 and closes silently, which is how the rich end conversations.