Too Soonjokes

Longest shutdown in history. Air traffic controllers worked for free while Congress debated whose fault it was, from an airport lounge, on a flight that was late.

The shutdown closed national parks, so people just walked in. Turns out the Grand Canyon works without a ranger. So does Congress, and that's the problem.

A super PAC is spending $10 million to help Ken Paxton win the Texas Senate seat. Ten million dollars for a man who was impeached by his own party and acquitted by the same one. Texas doesn't have elections, it has re-enactments.

Madonna leads the VMAs at 68. MTV hasn't played a video since 2008. The product's dead and the ceremony continues, which is the plan for the census, the Senate, and most marriages.

Congress funded the government through December 11. It's hospice care with a press release.

Day 196. The president says the war ends "immediately after the election." The troops don't have an election. They have a deployment, a hip, and a magnet on their mom's car that's faded to pink.