The 2030 census will no longer count immigrants without green cards or ask about race. So America's plan for dealing with its problems is to stop counting them. It's the first census designed by a guy hiding his bank statements from his wife.

This Congress holds the record for the longest shutdown in history and they're all up for re-election. Democracy is a dog that keeps eating the chocolate.

The $5,000 "dividend" is conditional on the election result. So it's not a dividend, it's a ransom, and the hostage is your own money, which they'd be borrowing from you to pay you.

The Postal Service will now throw out a whole batch of ballots if one is off. Same outfit that delivered my neighbor's mail to me for ten years.

Trump promised every adult $5,000 if Republicans win the midterms. That's $1.3 trillion. It's the first time a president has offered the country a bribe in front of it, on camera, with a number. The IRS will tax it.

The Postal Service will now reject a whole batch of ballots if one is off. Same outfit that delivered my neighbor's mail to me for ten years is now the last line of defense for democracy.

Argentina's president won midterms after promising to cut everything. The peso is worth less than the ballot it was printed on, and they voted for more.

Ukraine's former defense minister called for elections. Nothing says "we're winning" like a campaign for who gets to lose next.

Trump says the war ends "immediately after the election" and gas stays high till November because Iran wants to sway the vote. So the war has a release date and the troops don't.

India held elections in four states and governments flipped in three. A billion people changed their minds in three weeks. In America it takes four years and a lawsuit.

A super PAC is spending $10 million to help Ken Paxton win the Texas Senate seat. Ten million dollars for a man who was impeached by his own party and acquitted by the same one. Texas doesn't have elections, it has re-enactments.

The 2030 census won't count undocumented immigrants or ask about race. The government's plan for people it doesn't like is to stop counting them. Try that with your cholesterol.

Day 196. The president says the war ends "immediately after the election." The troops don't have an election. They have a deployment, a hip, and a magnet on their mom's car that's faded to pink.

The Supreme Court says states can restrict mail voting. The Post Office says it might reject batches. And the president says the mail is rigged. The only thing in America that all three branches agree on is that your letter's not getting there.

The war "ends after the election," the president says. So does the price of gas, apparently. Everything in America now has a November expiration date except the debt, the war dead, and the guy who said it.

The Guardian found ICE force-feeding a man on a hunger strike; the census found a way to stop counting people; the Treasury found nobody wants its bonds; and the Seahawks found their quarterback in a CT machine. The theme of the week is discovery. None of it good.

Newsom versus Fox goes to trial in 2028. It's the only thing in America scheduled after the election that isn't a war or a check.

A super PAC is dropping $10 million on Texas. That's $10 million to convince people who made up their minds in 1994.

Trump promised every adult $5,000 if Republicans win the midterms. That's $1.3 trillion. It's the first time a president offered the country a bribe on camera, with a number. The IRS will tax it.

Trump offered every adult $5,000 to vote right, then went golfing in Ireland. The check clears after the election. The golf clears now.

Madonna leads the VMAs at 68. MTV hasn't played a video since 2008. The product's dead and the ceremony continues, which is the plan for the census, the Senate, and most marriages.

Trump said the war ends after the election because Iran "can't hold out." Iran's been holding out since 1979. That's 47 years of holding out. The one thing Iran has more of than oil is patience, and we just hit its coast.

"The war ends immediately after the election," the president said, then flew to Ireland. So the war has a release date, the troops have a deployment, and the president has a tee time. Three schedules. One of them's fun.

This week: a German won the American dream in Queens and didn't notice, the Lions won by one and aged everyone ten years, a horror comedy set the Emmy record, the Supreme Court said mail your ballot, and the vice president cut off 870,000 people with the word "screwed." Tell one. Vote. Watch the Bills game.

The 2030 census will skip immigrants without green cards and stop asking about race. The government's plan for people it doesn't like is to stop counting them. It's how a man handles his bank statements the week before the divorce.

The census won't ask about sexual orientation anymore. It'll still ask how many toilets you have. The government has decided your plumbing is more important than your marriage, which is also what your plumber thinks.

The census won't count undocumented immigrants in 2030. So the government's solution to 11 million people is to stop looking. That's also how it handles the deficit, the climate, and the giraffe.

Yields at 2007 levels, oil at $100, and a $5,000 election bribe on the table. The economy isn't in a recession. It's in a hostage negotiation, and the hostage is your 401(k).

Trump made $4.4 million on oil stocks since the war started, according to CNBC. He also said the war ends after the election. So the man who profits from the war has set the date it ends, and it's the day after he doesn't need it.

The president said Iran is "desperate to affect the election." Iran has 20 missiles that hit sand. The only thing they've affected is the price of the sand.

Trump's $5,000 election dividend costs $1.3 trillion. The Iran war has cost $95 billion. So the plan is: win the war, sell the peace, pay the voters, bill the kids. It's a mafia movie where everyone gets whacked by compound interest.

Republicans held a midterm convention and a third of the House caucus stayed home. The party of "law and order" couldn't get its own members to show up for roll call.

Fan voting for the VMAs is open until the 25th. Millions of people who won't vote in November will vote for Video of the Year. Democracy works fine; it's just aimed at the wrong ballot.

Postal worker dumps 30,000 letters. Census stops counting immigrants. TSA lets you back to the gate. The government is a guy cleaning his garage by throwing things over the fence and calling it organized.

The Postal Service, the census, and the TSA all made news the same day for the same reason: the government's plan for people is to stop counting them, stop delivering to them, and let them back to the gate to say goodbye.