Too Soonjokes

Good Wednesday, everybody. The phone costs $2,000, the war's in month seven, the giraffe's still loose in Texas, and Apple skipped 9/11 for preorders out of respect, then charged the price of a funeral. Surprise and shine.

Day 217 of the Iran war. At this point the war has outlasted three iPhone colors, two Fast & Furious sequels and every New Year's resolution in America.

Tankers are idling outside Hormuz. The world's most expensive drive-thru line, and it still doesn't take Apple Pay.

Widow's Bay won 14 Emmys, the most ever for a comedy. It's a horror comedy on Apple TV. Television gave its all-time record to a show about the dead, streamed by a company selling a $2,000 phone. The industry finally found its genre.

Apple's folding phone starts at $2,000. For that money in Detroit you get a Buick, and the Buick also folds if you hit a pole.

Apple glasses will monitor your health. The first notification will be "Screen time: 14 hours." The second will be "Your family is in the other room."