Too Soonjokes

Apple is building smart glasses that track your health. Great, the device that killed my attention span can now watch me die and sync it to iCloud.

Apple says the new Watch Ultra 4 tracks 45 hours of continuous workout. Nobody has 45 hours. The only people awake that long are ER residents, and they can't afford the watch.

Tankers are idling outside Hormuz. The world's most expensive drive-thru line, and it still doesn't take Apple Pay.

Widow's Bay won 14 Emmys, the most ever for a comedy. It's a horror comedy on Apple TV. Television gave its all-time record to a show about the dead, streamed by a company selling a $2,000 phone. The industry finally found its genre.

Apple's folding phone starts at $2,000. For that money in Detroit you get a Buick, and the Buick also folds if you hit a pole.

Apple glasses will monitor your health. The first notification will be "Screen time: 14 hours." The second will be "Your family is in the other room."