Too Soonjokes

The Emmys hand out statues to shows canceled in May, on a network that's 100, streamed for $17 a month. Television is the only industry where the funeral has a red carpet and the deceased gives a speech.

TV's big night is Monday. The winners will thank the crew, who were laid off in June, on a network that's 100, on a stream that costs $17 a month, for shows that were canceled. Television is the only industry where the funeral is the awards show.

Practical Magic 2 opened today, 28 years after the first one, about two witches whose men keep dying. The Emmys are Monday. Fashion Week is through the 15th. The country's on fire in four time zones, and Hollywood's offering witches, a red carpet, and a $12,000 coat. That's not escapism, that's a closing argument.

The Emmys give gold statues to shows that were canceled in the spring. It's the only industry where you get a trophy for the thing that got you fired, and the trophy weighs more than the severance.

Sunday's Emmys will run four hours and give out 25 statues. The winners will thank their agents, their mothers, and God, in that order, which is also the order the checks clear.

A 104-minute keynote at a convention with no candidate. The speech had more words than the funding bill, more promises than the budget, and fewer people in the room than the Emmys will have Monday.