Too Soonjokes

Thirty-three House Republicans skipped their own convention and the president spoke for 104 minutes anyway. It's a wedding where the groom's side didn't show and the bride read the vows to the caterer.

Thirty-three House Republicans skipped the party's own convention in Dallas. That's not a rally, that's a wedding where the groom's side didn't show. The bride gave a 104-minute speech anyway.

Trump spoke for an hour and 44 minutes at the convention. The Gettysburg Address was two minutes. He's now spoken longer than Lincoln, Kennedy, and the entire Iran war strategy combined.

The president marked 9/11 with a steel beam from the World Trade Center at a ceremony near the White House. The beam has been to more solemn events than most of the people standing next to it.

The Philippines issued an arrest warrant for its Vice President for threatening to have the President killed. In America we call that a primary.

A late-night host got pulled off the air for a monologue. The government said it was about "standards." Standards, in a country where the president has a podcast voice.