Too Soonjokes

Tiafoe versus Shelton: the first all-American semi in years, and the winner gets a German or a Russian in the final. That's every 20th-century war we won, with better shoes.

Tiafoe versus Shelton is the first all-American men's semi in years. The winner will have to play the German in the final. This is the plot of every war we've won since 1917, but with better shoes.

Tiafoe and Shelton play an all-American semifinal Friday. Two American men in the final four for the first time since the sport was affordable. The winner faces a German or a Russian in the final, which is also the plot of every 20th-century war we won.

A Russian strike on Kyiv killed 13 overnight. Peace talks are ongoing. They've been ongoing for four years, which is long enough for "ongoing" to be a cause of death.

Shelton dedicated the win to his grandmother, who got his father into tennis. His father coached him from the box. Three generations to make one final, and the German across the net will try to end it in three hours.

The 25th anniversary of 9/11 is tomorrow. Tomorrow's also the day Persona 6 players hit hour 40, the day the Rams wake up in Australia, and the day Shelton plays Tiafoe. The country will hold a moment of silence and then check the score. Never forget, but also, what time's the match.