Too Soonjokes

Congress funded the government through December 11. It's hospice care with a press release.

A regular-season NFL game in Australia at 8 a.m. their time. Fans in Melbourne will watch football before work. Fans in Detroit will watch it at 4 a.m. and call in sick, which is a Michigan tradition older than the Lions' last title.

Apple's folding phone costs $2,000 and preorders were moved off September 11 out of respect. Then it was priced like a funeral. For that money in Detroit you get a Buick, and the Buick also folds if you hit a pole.

The Tigers and Guardians are fighting for the division. Every game matters, and the average viewer is 61 and asleep by the seventh. Baseball's fine. The audience is a hospice with a cable package.

Microsoft wants 38 gigawatts of data centers. Michigan uses 10. They're building four Michigans of electricity so Copilot can misspell your name faster. Your bill will pay for the difference, and the AI will write you a very kind letter about it.

Michigan beat Western Michigan on a call so bad that Sherrone Moore's postgame press conference was the first time in history a winning coach looked like he'd been robbed.