Too Soonjokes

Apple is building smart glasses that track your health. Great, the device that killed my attention span can now watch me die and sync it to iCloud.

Apple says the new Watch Ultra 4 tracks 45 hours of continuous workout. Nobody has 45 hours. The only people awake that long are ER residents, and they can't afford the watch.

Apple's folding phone starts at $2,000. For that money in Detroit you get a Buick, and the Buick also folds if you hit a pole.

Apple glasses will monitor your health. The first notification will be "Screen time: 14 hours." The second will be "Your family is in the other room."

Apple named it the iPhone Duo. Duo. Like the language app that guilts you with an owl. This one guilts you with a monthly statement.

Apple made a phone that folds, six years after Samsung did. Apple didn't invent the foldable. It invented the line outside the store for it.