Too Soonjokes

The 2030 census will skip immigrants without green cards and stop asking about race. The government's plan for people it doesn't like is to stop counting them. It's how a man handles his bank statements the week before the divorce.

The 2030 census won't count undocumented immigrants or ask about race. The government's plan for people it doesn't like is to stop counting them. Try that with your cholesterol.

The census won't count undocumented immigrants in 2030. So the government's solution to 11 million people is to stop looking. That's also how it handles the deficit, the climate, and the giraffe.

Postal worker dumps 30,000 letters. Census stops counting immigrants. TSA lets you back to the gate. The government is a guy cleaning his garage by throwing things over the fence and calling it organized.

Apple glasses will monitor your health. The first notification will be "Screen time: 14 hours." The second will be "Your family is in the other room."

The Guardian found ICE force-feeding a man on a hunger strike; the census found a way to stop counting people; the Treasury found nobody wants its bonds; and the Seahawks found their quarterback in a CT machine. The theme of the week is discovery. None of it good.