Senator Roger Marshall sued 700 of his own patients over bills when he was a doctor and had 81 arrested. He's on the health committee. The Hippocratic Oath says first do no harm. His said first send it to collections.

Friday, September 11, 2026: 25 years since the towers, 196 days into the next war, a $5,000 bribe on the table, a president who remembers being carried, a quarterback who remembers being carted, and 100,000 Australians who couldn't see the field. Never forget. Also, what time's the tennis.

Darnold spent the night at the hospital after the opener. The team said "good news." The good news is a "muscle strain." The bad news is he's a Seahawks quarterback, and their good news has a way of becoming a Drew Lock start.

Super Bowl ads cost $8 million for 30 seconds. That's $266,000 per second to sell you a beer you'll drink while a man in Spanish makes your uncle furious.

The NFL is back. Seventeen weeks of men getting concussed so a guy in Ohio can be mad about his parlay. It's the most American thing on television, and it's also on Amazon now.

The Seahawks beat the Patriots 29-13 and the halftime show was in Spanish. Half of Texas learned three words and the other half wrote to the FCC.

Friday, September 11, 2026: twenty-five years since the towers, 196 days into the next war, a $5,000 bribe on the table, a quarterback carted off six plays into a title defense, a kid who beat the best player alive at 3:30 a.m., and a hundred thousand Australians who couldn't see the field. Never forget. What time's the tennis.

The Patriots lost the Super Bowl. Tom Brady watched from the booth and aged for the first time in public.

Drake Maye threw three interceptions in the opener. His last three-pick game was the Super Bowl, also against Seattle. The Patriots found the one team that makes him play like a Jet, and scheduled them twice.

The NFL's Melbourne game drew 100,021 people and the front row couldn't see the field. The league sold a rectangle in an oval. Geometry calls it a refund. The NFL calls it the fastest-growing market in the world.

Sam Darnold: $100 million, banner raised, six snaps, hospital. Drew Lock started Week 2 and the Seahawks are still fine. Seattle's quarterback plan is to keep signing guys until one of them is standing at the end of the year. It's a survivor pool with a cap number.

A regular-season NFL game in Australia at 8 a.m. their time. Fans in Melbourne will watch football before work. Fans in Detroit will watch it at 4 a.m. and call in sick, which is a Michigan tradition older than the Lions' last title.

The NFL season starts this week. Seventeen games, 32 teams, and one league where the players' brains are a preexisting condition.

Drew Lock threw a 45-yard touchdown on fourth down to a guy named Jaxon Smith-Njigba. Nobody in Seattle knew Lock was on the roster until 8:31 p.m. That's not a backup, that's a witness protection program that worked.

A.J. Brown, traded to New England, hurt his ankle in the third quarter of his first game. The Patriots got a receiver, a highlight, and an MRI in one night. That's the most value they've gotten from a trade since 2001.

The Lions open Sunday as Super Bowl favorites. Detroit has never had hope survive October. This is the year it finds out what hope costs. Spoiler: last year's price, plus a stadium tax, plus interest, plus a Coney at 1 a.m.

Sam Darnold raised the Super Bowl banner and got carried off on the sixth play of the season. Banner up, quarterback in a hospital, Seattle won anyway. That's not football, that's a Greek play with a salary cap.

Darnold's hip was CT-scanned, MRI'd, and ruled "not fractured." The Seahawks called it "good news." In Seattle, good news is when your $100 million quarterback can still sit.

Netflix owns Warner Bros., HBO, CNN, DC, and the NFL's Australia game. The company that mailed you DVDs now owns Batman, the news, and the thing you fall asleep to. That's not a media company. That's a hospice with a login.

Fantasy football: 40 million men who can't budget their own money managing an imaginary roster with the intensity of a coroner.

Myles Garrett flew 16 hours to Melbourne, recorded zero of anything, and admitted the knee is worse than anyone said. The Rams traded for a $40 million defender and got a very expensive seat upgrade.

Drake Maye threw three picks to Seattle in the Super Bowl and three more in the opener. The Patriots' plan for the Seahawks is apparently to keep giving them the ball until they feel bad about it.

Drake Maye threw three picks against Seattle in the Super Bowl and three more Wednesday. The Patriots' plan for the Seahawks is apparently to keep giving them the ball until they feel bad about it.

Drew Lock came off the bench and won the opener. Every Jets fan who gave up on Darnold in 2020 is now watching his backup win the game he couldn't. The Jets are the only franchise that can ruin a player from another team's sideline.

NFL kickoff is Thursday. Roger Goodell makes $64 million a year and the league has a gambling scandal, a concussion settlement, and a halftime show that's a culture war. He's the only commissioner who's been booed by more people than the referees, and he's never once thrown a flag.

Darnold went down on the sixth snap with a hip injury and spent the night in the hospital. He signed for $100 million last year. That's $16 million a play, which is still cheaper than what Iran's paying per tanker.

Maye called his decisions "unacceptable." The Patriots called it Week 1. New England will play a bad Cardinals team next, so the decisions will be acceptable again for exactly one week.

Falcons coach Kevin Stefanski said he's "not ruling anybody out" at quarterback for Week 2. That's a coach with no quarterback describing it as a strategy. It's also how the Pentagon talks about the plan.

Myles Garrett flew sixteen hours to Melbourne and recorded zero tackles, zero sacks, zero hits, then admitted the knee's worse than he said. The Rams traded for a $40 million defender and got a very expensive passenger.

The Guardian found ICE force-feeding a man on a hunger strike; the census found a way to stop counting people; the Treasury found nobody wants its bonds; and the Seahawks found their quarterback in a CT machine. The theme of the week is discovery. None of it good.

Patriots-Seahawks tonight. New England's coordinator said Seattle "out-everythinged" them in the Super Bowl. That's not analysis, that's a eulogy with a whiteboard.

The Mariners edged the Rangers with the Seahawks' quarterback in the hospital across town. Seattle sports in one night: a win, a win, and a CT scan. Three for three.

Sam Darnold's $100 million contract, one drive, six plays, a sack, a hospital. He was in a CT scanner before the first quarter ended. The banner took longer to raise than his season took to pause.

Cooper Manning was on Fox News Monday talking about the NFL season. There are three Manning brothers. One won two Super Bowls, one won two Super Bowls, and one gets to be on television. Genetics is a lottery and so is the tie-breaker.

NBC turns 100 this year. A century of television, and its birthday present to itself is the Emmys, a Wednesday NFL game, and a network deal that might expire. Even at 100, NBC's on a one-year contract.

The Bills open their new stadium tonight against the Lions on Amazon. A billion-dollar building, a team that's lost four Super Bowls, and a Thursday night game streamed by the company whose cargo plane just crashed. Everything in Buffalo is a delivery that might not arrive.

Australia banned social media for kids and got the NFL on Netflix at 8 a.m. The teenagers can't see TikTok, but they can watch grown men get concussed before school. That's cultural exchange.

Darnold got hurt on the last play of the first drive and the Seahawks shut out the first half. They're the third defending champ ever to be shut out in the first half of the opener. The other two are also in Seattle's group chat.

Practical Magic 2 opened yesterday. Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman are witches whose curse kills every man they love. After 28 years the curse is the only thing in the franchise that held up. Also true of most marriages, and the Rams' defense.

Drake Maye threw three interceptions to Seattle in the Super Bowl and three more Wednesday. The Patriots' plan for the Seahawks is apparently to keep giving them the ball until they feel bad about it. Seattle does not feel bad.

Netflix owns Warner Bros., HBO, CNN, Batman, and the NFL's Australia game. The company that mailed you DVDs now owns the news and the thing you fall asleep to. That's not a media company. That's a hospice with a login.

Wednesday, September 9, 2026: Apple sold a phone for the price of a used car, the Navy sank five ships and posted the video, a Guardsman pulled a gun over a haircut, and the NFL started on a Wednesday. In 2016, the weirdest thing was a dress.

Darnold got $100 million and six snaps. Drew Lock got a roster spot and the win. The NFL calls it next man up. Darnold's accountant calls it a rounding error with a limp.

A.J. Brown hurt his ankle in the third quarter of his first Patriots game. New England traded for the one thing they lacked in the Super Bowl: a receiver who catches. He caught an injury.

Drew Lock was 16 of 22 with a touchdown and a 113 rating. He's been on four teams and been cut by two. Wednesday he beat the team the Seahawks beat in the Super Bowl. He'll be the starter until Darnold's hip heals or Seattle finds someone cheaper, whichever comes first.

Bills-Lions tonight in a brand-new stadium. Two fan bases, one Super Bowl between them combined, and it's the Lions', from a movie they're still writing. The winner of tonight gets to be the favorite until January, when it doesn't matter.

The Lions open Sunday as Super Bowl favorites in some books. Detroit has never had hope survive October. This year it'll find out what hope costs. Spoiler: the same as last year, plus a stadium tax and interest.

The 49ers play the Rams in Melbourne tonight on Netflix. Two California teams flew 16 hours to play at 8 a.m. Australian time. The kickoff's an ad for a streaming service, the game's an ad for jet lag.

Detroit hosts the Saints Sunday. The Tigers are in a race, Michigan needed a blown call to beat a MAC school, and the Lions are favorites. The state's blood pressure is now a public health category, and the cure is a Coney at 1 a.m.

Matthew Stafford had scored a touchdown in every game last season. The streak ended at 8 a.m. in a cricket stadium on Netflix. That's not a slump, that's a time zone.

Netflix bought Warner Bros., got the NFL in Australia, and is streaming the Emmys' nominees. The company that used to mail you DVDs now owns Batman, Ben Shelton's highlights, and the next thing you'll fall asleep to. That's not a media company. That's a hospice with a login.

The Seahawks raise their championship banner tonight against the Patriots. Sam Darnold has a ring. Sam Darnold. Every Jets fan who gave up on him in 2020 is now legally allowed to drink at work.

This week: a German won the American dream in Queens and didn't notice, the Lions won by one and aged everyone ten years, a horror comedy set the Emmy record, the Supreme Court said mail your ballot, and the vice president cut off 870,000 people with the word "screwed." Tell one. Vote. Watch the Bills game.

Sam Darnold's hip is "a muscle strain," the Seahawks say, and Drew Lock will start. Darnold got $100 million and six plays. Lock got a roster spot and a win. The NFL calls it next man up. Darnold's accountant calls it a rounding error with a limp.

The Seattle Storm lost a player at the FIBA World Cup while the Seahawks lost their quarterback at home. Seattle's a beautiful city where every athlete eventually leaves on a cart.

Sabalenka's the two-time champion at -208. Pegula's family owns the Bills, who've lost four Super Bowls. If Pegula loses tonight, it's the family's most competitive loss this decade.

The 25th anniversary of 9/11 is tomorrow. Tomorrow's also the day Persona 6 players hit hour 40, the day the Rams wake up in Australia, and the day Shelton plays Tiafoe. The country will hold a moment of silence and then check the score. Never forget, but also, what time's the match.

The Patriots traded for A.J. Brown so they'd have a chance in Seattle. New England spent the offseason buying the one thing it lacked in February: a receiver who can catch. That was the plan last year too. Then Seattle out-everythinged them.

The Rams and 49ers play in Melbourne tonight. Both teams will lose a day to the flight, a day to the game, and one starter to the turf. The NFL calls it "growing the game." The players call it a class-action.