Tupac's killer was convicted in Las Vegas after 30 years. He'd been telling the story on camera for a decade. Vegas finally found the one guy who didn't understand what happens in Vegas.

Netflix bought Warner Bros. in December. Paramount tried to steal it in the spring. A judge blocked it in August. Three companies fought over one studio all year and nobody made a movie.

The Philippines issued an arrest warrant for its Vice President for threatening to have the President killed. In America we call that a primary.

Senator Roger Marshall sued 700 of his own patients over bills when he was a doctor and had 81 arrested. He's on the health committee. The Hippocratic Oath says first do no harm. His said first send it to collections.

Dave Bautista showed off his body transformation to play Kratos in God of War. He's 57 and getting shredded to play a god who murders his family. In Hollywood that's not a role, that's a retirement plan.

The Louvre heist took eight minutes. The renovation plan to prevent it started in 2025 and won't finish until 2031. Crime moves at the speed of a moped and safety moves at the speed of a committee.

The feds took over DC's police in August. Crime dropped, they said. It's easy to drop crime when you redefine "crime" as "whatever's left after the tourists leave."

The man convicted of orchestrating Tupac's murder is the uncle of the shooter, who died in 1998. So the case was solved by everyone else dying first. That's the Vegas method.

The Supreme Court blocked cancer patients from suing over Roundup. It kills weeds, people, and lawsuits.

A judge paused the border wall at Big Bend. The canyon was already doing the job for free.

Thieves robbed the Louvre in eight minutes with a furniture lift and power tools, in daylight, during opening hours. The most French thing about it is that security was on strike about it before it happened.

Thieves cut four paintings out of their frames in a museum heist that took minutes, a year after the Louvre lost the crown jewels in eight. Europe's museums are now the only places where the exit is faster than the entrance.

It took thirty years to convict someone for Tupac. My parking ticket found me in nine days.

The Louvre heist: $100 million in jewels, no cameras on the balcony, and a ladder from Home Depot. The Mona Lisa watched the whole thing and said nothing, as usual.

Newsom's $787 million suit against Fox goes to trial in March 2028. By then he'll be running for president and Fox will have a fresh lie ready for the trial coverage.

Keffe D got convicted for Tupac after confessing on every platform but LinkedIn. And the only reason it wasn't LinkedIn is that "orchestrated a murder" doesn't fit the character limit.

A judge approved surgically force-feeding a hunger striker in ICE custody. The private facility gets paid per body per day. Keeping him alive isn't mercy, it's a line item, signed at 2 a.m.

A judge blocked Paramount's $110 billion takeover of Warner Bros. It's the first time in history anyone's been stopped from buying HBO just to cancel it.

India held elections in four states and governments flipped in three. A billion people changed their minds in three weeks. In America it takes four years and a lawsuit.

A Michael Jackson movie made $600 million worldwide. The producers said it was about the music. So was the trial.

They tore down the East Wing for a ballroom and the Supreme Court said fine. So the building has a dance floor now and no First Lady's office. That's a divorce settlement, not a renovation.

The ballroom that replaced the East Wing was approved by the Supreme Court. The Court is now the only branch that's been asked to dance.

A jury finally convicted Duane "Keffe D" Davis for Tupac's murder, thirty years later. He'd confessed on a podcast, in a book, and on YouTube. The man was indicted by his own content strategy.

The Supreme Court cleared the White House ballroom. Nine justices, zero invitations.

They caught the Louvre thieves in weeks. The jewels are gone forever. France solved the case and lost the point, which is also how they do wars.

A judge paused the border wall at Big Bend National Park. The canyon was already doing the job for free and it doesn't take contractors.

NBA players were feeding injury info to gamblers. So the "load management" was for the sportsbook.

The Supreme Court says states can restrict mail voting. The Post Office says it might reject batches. And the president says the mail is rigged. The only thing in America that all three branches agree on is that your letter's not getting there.

Darnold went down on the sixth snap with a hip injury and spent the night in the hospital. He signed for $100 million last year. That's $16 million a play, which is still cheaper than what Iran's paying per tanker.

Police departments are buying drones now. Robot dogs for ICE, drones for cops. The next police union negotiation will be about charging cables.

The Supreme Court said no to Missouri's map and a district judge said yes within hours. It's the only state where you can lose at the top court and win in the parking lot.

Newsom versus Fox goes to trial in 2028. It's the only thing in America scheduled after the election that isn't a war or a check.

A senator sued 700 patients and had 81 arrested over medical debt before running for office. In Kansas that's not a scandal, that's a resume. He listed it under "leadership."

A judge approved surgically force-feeding a hunger striker in ICE custody. The private detention center gets paid per body per day. Keeping him alive isn't mercy, it's revenue, and the judge signed it at 2 a.m.

Trump asked the Supreme Court to give states access to a federal database to check voters. The database is called SAVE. The only thing it's ever saved is a Republican consultant's invoice.

A.J. Brown hurt his ankle in the third quarter of his first Patriots game. New England traded for the one thing they lacked in the Super Bowl: a receiver who catches. He caught an injury.

ICE got a judge to approve force-feeding a hunger striker through a surgical procedure without his consent. He's the 19th hunger striker in custody. The agency that can't find a giraffe found a judge at 2 a.m.

CUNY spent two years fighting a public records request, then the records showed the public university owns Lockheed, Raytheon, Palantir, and two private prison companies. The students learned more from the lawsuit than the tuition.

Newsom's $787 million defamation suit against Fox goes to trial in March 2028. That's 18 months from now. By then Newsom will be running for president and Fox will have a new lie ready for the trial coverage.

This week: a German won the American dream in Queens and didn't notice, the Lions won by one and aged everyone ten years, a horror comedy set the Emmy record, the Supreme Court said mail your ballot, and the vice president cut off 870,000 people with the word "screwed." Tell one. Vote. Watch the Bills game.

A judge in Missouri approved the map the Supreme Court blocked, Newsom's trial is set for 2028, and Fox's next lie is already in pre-production. The courts are a streaming service: everything's a season, nothing ends.

The last twelve months: a shutdown, an invasion, a war, a trillionaire, a heist, a wedding, three hurricanes, and a robot dog. If you wrote it as a novel, the editor would say "too much." If you lived it, you'd say "at least the Knicks won."

CUNY students filed a records request in 2024 and got the portfolio in 2026. Two years to find out their tuition bought Palantir stock. The lawsuit was the best class they took.

SOUTHCOM says the latest strike killed three "narco-terrorists." No names, no cargo, no trial. In America we call that an obituary written by the guy who did it.

New York's public university system invests in private prisons and weapons makers. The tuition goes up every year. The portfolio's doing great. The students are the only asset that's depreciating.